Christian Marriage Partner – Husband (Ephesians 5:25-33)

Married life is something else. It’s hard work, and it’s a lot of fun.  

Listen to these lines from my favorite Scene in The Incredibles:

Lucius: Honey?

Honey: What?

Lucius: Where's my super suit?

Honey: What?

Lucius: Where - is - my - super - suit?

Honey: I, uh, put it away.

[helicopter explodes outside]

Lucius: *Where*?

Honey: *Why* do you *need* to know?

Lucius: I need it!

[Lucius rummages through another room]

Honey: Uh-uh! Don't you think about running off doing no daring-do. We've been planning this dinner for two months!

Lucius: The public is in danger!

Honey: My evening's in danger!

Lucius: You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!

Honey: 'Greater good?' I am your wife! I'm the greatest *good* you are ever gonna get!

In jr. high I met a girl. She was the cutest and smartest and sweetest. She must not have minded the attention; we’ve been married 14 years. I’m learning to love her now. When we’ve been married 40 years or more (if the Lord doesn’t come back, and if she doesn’t collect my life insurance, and if we don’t sinfully separate, breaking our marriage commitment to God and each other), I’ll still be learning to love her. To love her.  That’s what Paul talks about in Eph. 5:25-33, how a husband learns to love his wife. From the example of Christ, we see that love is a commitment to sacrificially care for another by seeking her highest good.

[Read passage (vv. 22-33) & pray]

Love is a commitment to sacrificially care for another by seeking her highest good. – Love is a joyful willingness to sacrifice for another, Hb. 12:2. And love takes all of you. (Where did Jesus hold back?)

Love is not a feeling of butterflies you get when she walks by or brushes your arm.

Love is not that you can’t stop thinking about her.

Love is not that he pays attention to you the way you deserve to meet your felt needs.

Love is not that he says the sweetest things about you.

Love is not physical or even emotional intimacy. (although two people who legitimately love each other will rightly participate in sexual intimacy and have a better emotional connection as well – with spiritual freedom of heart, knowing that God who made us emotional, sexual beings, is pleased)

Love is not doting on someone and making sure they have everything they want and don’t ever feel any discomfort or pain. (God is love, but does he intend for you to feel the pain and weight of your sin to see your need for Jesus’ righteousness? God is love, and does he let you endure difficulty and even suffering so that you will rightly depend on him?)

IN FACT,

Love is what you do when your spouse doesn’t appreciate your kindness as they should.

Love is what you do when you hold your tongue when treated unfairly.

Love is what you do when you prioritize her interests over your own.

Love is what you do when you kindly go the extra mile when your spouse disappoints you. 

Love is what you do when you don’t have a pity-party about missing an opportunity for physical intimacy but joyfully let her rest. 

Love is what you do when you rejoice at the opportunities the other has to be honored or to get a break.

Love is what you do when you intentionally and thoughtfully seek opportunities to encourage her and challenge her to grow in faithfully following Jesus. 

Love is what you do when you don’t abuse your role in the relationship but use it to build the other up to the glory of God

1. (Marriage can get messy. Love is extremely hard work.) Let’s get out a spade and get some dirt on us digging into this text.
   1. While headship is spoken of in the exhortation to wives regarding submission, there is frankly no admonition from Paul for husbands to rule over their wives. Instead of “exercise your headship,” husbands are instructed repeatedly to love their wives. Authority is not the priority, love is. – (Why is this important?) “[Christ’s] headship expresses care rather than control, responsibility rather than rule.” (Stott) – Christ’s model for leadership is to serve. Christ’s model for love is to sacrifice. (There’s a painful degree of emptying of self. Love is costly.) – That’s understanding what you are called to…
   2. Remember, Christian marriage is intended to mirror the relationship between Christ and his Church to reflect God's character and the gospel's power. (A wife’s joyful willingness to submit and a husband’s loving leadership are the two sides of God’s design for order in that relationship.)  Now based on our understanding of a husband’s role to lead in love, and based on our definition of love, get your bearing in Ephesians. (Previous love references in Eph: 1:4; 3:17; 4:2, 15, 16)  (Then 5:1-2 and 5:25) Christ’s love forms both the basis for a husband’s love and the model for it. – He gave himself up for the church, his body. (By comparison, a husband’s love is sacrificial servant leadership peculiarly expressed in the most intimate and sacred human relationship—marriage.)
      1. From Eph 5, we see that Christ’s sacrifice saves us (v. 23b), [that’s the rescuing from something]. It also means that in so doing he set us apart to himself. – That’s what we see in vv. 25-27.
      2. He sets apart the church, his bride, to himself (sanctify, make holy) in a manner parallel to marriage. (At least God’s intention for marriage.)
         1. (To use theological terms) I believe that positional sanctification is in view here (not primarily progressive sanctification). The cleansing (purifying) coincides with setting apart. The imagery indicates that the church, made up of those who are saved, Christ has cleansed from their sinfulness and sanctified (set apart to himself) to be his radiant, flawless bride. – It is true that there is still growth (to the church) and preparation to be made before the final consummation at Christ’s second coming, but the church is already his body, which is the point Paul is making with reference to husbands and wives.  See that v. 28 begins with IN THIS WAY… husbands ought (should, are obligated, owe it to Christ) to love their wives as Christ loved the church
         2. I also want to take note of this. What is the cleansing agent? – He washes us with his word. (What word? The word about him—the gospel truth of who God is and what he has accomplished through Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection – 1 Pet. 1:22-25) [blank]  water probably not a reference to baptism in this case – no where else in the N.T. is the church said to be baptized  Christ gave himself to the church to make her holy by cleansing her [… with] a spiritual washing brought about through Christ’s gracious word in the gospel. (O’Brien)
      3. In our efforts to lead in love, to give ourselves up for our wives, what might often be lacking is a definitive goal, a clear purpose.  Her Highest Good
         1. Just as his love models self-sacrifice, Christ’s love for the church is the model for husbands in its purpose and goal. Husbands should be fully committed to the total well-being, especially the spiritual welfare, of their wives. (O’Brien) – That means the goal is her highest good.
         2. And her highest good is to love the Lord her God with all of her heart, soul, mind, and strength. Her highest good is to be kept completely unified in communion with her Savior and with her husband in his pursuit of the same.  A husband gives himself in loving service to his wife in order that she can become what God intends for her.
         3. So sacrificial love has a purifying and edifying purpose.
      4. Flowing from bride and bridegroom analogy, Paul emphasizes another part of his illustration. – That husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
         1. Paul’s point could be misunderstood and misrepresented if not kept in context of paralleling the relationship btwn Christ and his church. – v. 32 (read) The profound mystery now revealed is that Christ treats us as members of his own body (v.30), a body that he lovingly and responsibly nourishes and cherishes (v.29).
            1. Husbands loving their wives as their own bodies is NOT a weak point. (as if to denigrate wives like they’re just their husband’s ‘body,’ or even a mere pragmatic point about how we just ordinarily and selfishly look after our own bodies) – Rather, it is akin to the second great commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself.” Love for God plays out in love for others, particularly for that neighbor who is nearest and dearest, your wife.  And even more, she is not merely your neighbor, but to quote Adam: “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” (Gen 2:23)
            2. It is also true, though, and is here assumed… and even in ‘the golden rule’ in Mt. 7:12, that a person will look after his own wellbeing and interests. “Indeed, no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and cherishes it.” (Surely a person who doesn’t do that is a sluggard, which is sin.) [But I’ll be honest, by the way the world defines and practices love—as mere passionate affection, mere personal attachment, and mere sexual desire—that kind of self-love I find absolutely revolting.]
            3. But to say that by loving his wife a man is loving himself in aiming for his own highest good to the glory of God—that’s a self-interest that I don’t just have to plug my nose and swallow but that I can readily drink in deep. When God reveals to you that your highest good is Him, it is not selfish to seek your own interest when that interest is actually the pursuit of God.  When you love, keep this in mind: their highest good according to God. And that highest good is God. [His & Hers—Highest Good]
            4. Instead of hating his own flesh, he nourishes and cherishes it – [these words mean] to provide for and to warm with tenderness and affection. (When my body is hungry, I tend to feed it. When cold, I warm it with clothing or carefully by the fire.) – This too then is a critical aim and outworking of love: to make every effort to physically and spiritually provide for and warm your wife with tenderness and affection. (not only physical affection, but kind affirming words, thoughtful acts and gifts, supportive and encouraging gestures of service, specific and special time devoted to her…)
         2. All of this means at least two things for husbands (and everyone, really): [one immensely deep and the other immediately practical]
            1. To love your wife, consider the wonder of Christ’s love displayed at the cross.
            2. To love your wife, take time often to THINK of concrete ways to demonstrate love.

• The final verse summarizes verses 22-32. (read v. 33)
  1. Truthfully, this is Christ’s sacrificial love expressing itself in different ways. A husband’s privilege and responsibility is to love like Christ in joyful, sacrificial servant leadership. A wife’s privilege and responsibility is to love like Christ in joyfully submitting to and respecting her husband. – only accomplished by walking in the Spirit
     1. The question to be asking isn’t, “How can I have a happy, successful marriage?” The right question is, “What is God’s purpose for marriage that brings him the glory he deserves?”
     2. [Ask this] When you’re making a big decision together, or divvying up responsibilities to cover the whole field. When you’re deciding what’s permissible and uplifting in private intimacy with one another. When you’re having a disagreement or you’re just exhausted.  Christian marriage is intended to mirror the relationship between Christ and his Church to reflect God's character and the gospel's power.
  2. By God’s design, marriage intertwines masculinity and femininity to form a unique blend of beauty and balance.
     1. Here’s a needed message for singles too: You are not incomplete without a spouse.
     2. Do not enter into marriage lightly. Do not be unequally yoked.
     3. Finally, it’s paradigm-shifting to get it in our minds that sacrificial love and a willingness to serve are what make leaders in the kingdom of God. (It’s not just that leaders should behave that way. No, that is what makes leaders: self-sacrificing love and service.

Please stand with me as I lead us in prayer: Lord, we confess our selfishness and pride as sin. We confess our unsubmissive spirit as ultimately being rebellion against you. Teach us to love and submit by admiring your character and looking to the cross.  By the influence of your Holy Spirit applying principles from your word to our hearts, teach us to thoughtfully consider in concrete ways how we may love one another better. We pray that you will make us fruitful in our love to be like Christ, not to lift us up but for the sake of your great name alone. Amen.